Philosophical Vegan Forum

Ana wrote: ↑Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:15 am Wish granted, but your fur is infested with mites and lice, making you scratch yourself with your tusks/roll around in dirt all day.

I wish Hogwarts was real, but magical powers only manifest in your mid-twenties and that I live the rest of my life as a witch who can make vegan eggs that taste just like real eggs.

You resurrected the thread! You are my hero!

I can think up of two scenarios that could happen here:

A - People use time travel with time turners to mess around with time, so you do live as a vegan witch who makes vegan eggs that taste just like real eggs in one timeline, but this is a timeline you will never know about.

Yes, the time turners all got destroyed in Order of the Phoenix, but according to the Cursed Child play, that doesn't matter as people can just get their hands on them anyway in order to create a plot device for a story that nobody asked for and disappointed almost everybody. If you choose not to accept that play as canon (as I personally choose), then here is the other scenario.

B - When you are eating your vegan eggs that taste just like vegan eggs, you get a knock on your door and it is one of your vegan friends. He says to you "Wow, what is that smell! It smells just like eggs, and by eggs, I mean real eggs that come from chickens who are tortured factory farms or so-called 'free-range' farms! But I thought you were a vegan! I had no idea that you were so comfortable with the merciless exploitation of chickens!" You know that you are vegan, and you state that you are indeed a vegan but your friend inquires "Then what on earth is that smell!" He rudely pushes past you and barges into your living room where you were eating your eggs. Upon seeing the eggs, he cries out "Hark! I can see those eggs right there and I am as sure as my name is Napoleon Stoneman (NOTE: If you don't have a vegan friend named Napoleon Stoneman, just pretend he's said the name of a vegan friend you actually do know) that those eggs are not vegan! Not only are you not a vegan, you are also a liar!" You attempt to explain to him that the eggs are indeed vegan and you made them with magic which you learned because you are a witch and went to Hogwarts. His response is "What kind of drugs have you been taking, Ana? Magic isn't real! Hogwarts isn't real! Are you some sort of lunatic!". This is because he is a muggle and has never seen magic or Hogwarts before and thinks that it is all stories. You then demonstrate to him a Patronus charm to prove that you are a witch, and then he says "Oh okay, well you clearly are a witch then. I'm sorry I doubted you." But then, the Ministry of Magic kick down your door and perform a confundus charm on him and then they take you down to the Improper Use of Magic Office but they let you off with a warning as it was only a minor offence and they don't break your wand. But then, your story becomes a headline in the Daily Prophet, and because you are Muggle-Born, a group of Neo-Deatheaters uses you as proof that there is a Muggle conspiracy against the wizarding world, and claims that you were trying to teach your Muggle friend magic so that you could bring about a New Wizarding World Order where the muggles rule. And then, there is a violent clash between a bunch of Neodeatheaters and the Antifa branch within the wizarding world which you get caught in when going to the shops for the ingredients which you put in the potions that make your vegan eggs that taste just like wizard eggs. And what happens is they all start attacking you and then the Aurors all have to step in as it has gotten very nasty. And then you decide "Fuck this, let's actually start a conspiracy where I incite the Muggles to take over the wizarding world because they could probably do a better job". And then, you apparate into the UN Headquarters and tell all the Muggle world leaders about how they can threaten the wizarding world (which has already revealed their existence to the muggle governments privately) with nuclear bombs, as magic can not do anything against them. So when the Ministry of Magic step into the UN Headquarters and try to wipe the muggle leaders' memories, President Trump gets up and says "If you do that, I will launch the nukes!". So they wisely decide it would be a bad idea to do that. And then Trump starts tweeting about the wizarding world to Twitter and then the UN votes that the muggles should take control of the wizarding world, so now muggles are in charge of the wizarding world and are aware of the existence of magic and witches and wizards. Resentment brews between the muggles and the witches and wizards and then there are many cases reported of wizards and witches using the killing curse on muggles which prompts Trump to detonate the nukes and everybody dies in the explosion because he nukes the whole world.

I wish it could be Christmas every day.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:57 pm I wish it could be Christmas every day.

Wish granted, but all you get are clothes everyday (Including Christmas day).

I wish I was the President of the United States.

Red wrote: ↑Thu Dec 21, 2017 6:07 pm

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:57 pm I wish it could be Christmas every day.

Wish granted, but all you get are clothes everyday (Including Christmas day).

I wish I was the President of the United States.

Wish granted. You become president by being Vice President to Orange Man, who is assassinated.

Anyway, some guy has a dream where Orange Man appears and says "This is my killer, avenge me" and then points at you. He takes the dream to heart and when you are about to give a speech, this guy comes forward and tries to assassinate you! Luckily, when he fires his gun at you, the bullet goes right into the place in your jacket where you keep your speech, and as it is a big speech, it prevents the bullet from hitting you.

You ad lib "Friends, I do not know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot, but it takes more than that to kill a Red Apple!" and then you realize that this does not make any sense. The crowd boos you. Somebody in the crowd yells "I wish that assassin succeeded!". And then somebody else yells "Let's finish what that assassin started!". And then the entire crowd mobs you and beats you to death. The Secret Service? They join in in beating you to death. Did you honestly think they would protect you after that pathetic attempt at ad libbing?

I wish the Illuminati would recruit me as one of their puppets so that we could bring about a globalist New World Order.

i do not identify as an apple anymore (even though they are delicious)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Fri Dec 22, 2017 7:59 am I wish the Illuminati would recruit me as one of their puppets so that we could bring about a globalist New World Order.

Granted, but the New World Order actually has Orange Man become the Supreme Führer and orders the sacrifices of the entire Freemason society. Veganism is outlawed, and anyone caught trying to help animals is executed via hanging, drawing, and quartering. Everything has gone to shit, there is death, famine, war, and conquest as the norm, and the world is like 98.23% dead due to WW4 (it was so immense it skipped over WW3). Oh yeah, since you were a vegan, but assisted in establishing the New World Order, you don't get executed, rather you daily receive anal fisting and forced masturbation Abu Ghraib style. They connect you to an immorality machine so you're their bitch until the end of time.

I wish Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz was my spirit animal

Red wrote: ↑Fri Dec 22, 2017 2:21 pm i do not identify as an apple anymore (even though they are delicious)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Fri Dec 22, 2017 7:59 am I wish the Illuminati would recruit me as one of their puppets so that we could bring about a globalist New World Order.

Granted, but the New World Order actually has Orange Man become the Supreme Führer and orders the sacrifices of the entire Freemason society. Veganism is outlawed, and anyone caught trying to help animals is executed via hanging, drawing, and quartering. Everything has gone to shit, there is death, famine, war, and conquest as the norm, and the world is like 98.23% dead due to WW4 (it was so immense it skipped over WW3). Oh yeah, since you were a vegan, but assisted in establishing the New World Order, you don't get executed, rather you daily receive anal fisting and forced masturbation Abu Ghraib style. They connect you to an immorality machine so you're their bitch until the end of time.

I wish Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz was my spirit animal

Wish granted. You end up losing your job. The love, healing and support I offer to you?

"This is what happens under capitalism! Your boss saw you as a mere human resource and all the while they had been profiting off of your labour! It's time for you to become Red in the other sense and to embrace socialism! It's time for you to book your flight to the DPRK, comrade, to learn how they have succeeded due to Marshal Kim Jong-un's ever-loving wisdom despite sanctions placed by dirty imperialists! You have nothing to lose but your chains! Vote Corbyn!"

You then get a terminal illness. But it is all right because I assure you:

"Get over yourself! You knew you were going to die! We all die eventually you know! What? You wanted to live longer? We can't all be Vera Lynn! (Did you know that she has reached 100? I bet she's glad she's alive to see this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbnE8DXf18k) Death is just when your brain cells switch off and you lose all your sense! Imagine how wonderful it will be! Finally at peace without all the hustle and bustle of everyday life! You should be looking forward to it! In my opinion, it would be something to 'die for'! Ha ha ha! Get it? Of for Pete's sake, stop crying! Honestly, why can't you be like Epicurus? On his dying days, he wrote that he was very happy due to the fact that his cheerful mind, full of philosophical contemplations, counterbalanced all of his painful afflictions such as his painful inability to urinate. Who do you want to be in your dying moments, an Ubermensch like Epicurus? Or a big ninny?"

And I keep yelling at you like this until you "kick the bucket".

I wish I could have a four-way with Epicurus, Jeremy Bentham and Friedrich Nietzsche.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Fri Dec 22, 2017 6:46 pm I wish I could have a four-way with Epicurus, Jeremy Bentham, and Friedrich Nietzsche.

Wish granted. Your anus gets tripled penetrated, and it tears in the process, making you empty your bowels all over their penises. Amidst the blood and feces, Epicurus, Jeremy Bentham, and Friedrich Nietzsche get super angry at you then write books on why you're the worst human being ever to have lived, and how you must be despised by every human being ever. You have apples thrown at you everywhere you go, and you get your penis nibbled by squirrels first thing in the morning.

I wish Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz would start asking for more intelligent wishes.

Red wrote: ↑Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:22 am

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Fri Dec 22, 2017 6:46 pm I wish I could have a four-way with Epicurus, Jeremy Bentham, and Friedrich Nietzsche.

Wish granted. Your anus gets tripled penetrated, and it tears in the process, making you empty your bowels all over their penises. Amidst the blood and feces, Epicurus, Jeremy Bentham, and Friedrich Nietzsche get super angry at you then write books on why you're the worst human being ever to have lived, and how you must be despised by every human being ever. You have apples thrown at you everywhere you go, and you get your penis nibbled by squirrels first thing in the morning.

I wish Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz would start asking for more intelligent wishes.

Wish granted and you read my wish and you realize that you can't break the wish because it is so intelligent!

I wish Red would be forced to look at a picture of a heron for 24 hours without blinking. If this is not an intelligent wish then I do not know what is.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:38 am
I wish Red would be forced to look at a picture of a heron for 24 hours without blinking. If this is not an intelligent wish then I do not know what is.

Wish granted, now my penis is 5 times larger, I'm 40 times more intelligent, 24 times stronger, and I get thrice as many biches, while you get your dick shoved in a paper shredder.
I wish Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz had a crocodile pin him down and suck on his cock.

Red wrote: ↑Wed Jan 03, 2018 9:53 pm

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:38 am
I wish Red would be forced to look at a picture of a heron for 24 hours without blinking. If this is not an intelligent wish then I do not know what is.

Wish granted, now my penis is 5 times larger, I'm 40 times more intelligent, 24 times stronger, and I get thrice as many biches, while you get your dick shoved in a paper shredder.
I wish Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz had a crocodile pin him down and suck on his cock.

Wish granted. My penis got destroyed in the paper shredder so the crocodile just shoves his face in the general area where it used to be and then says "I give up!". I realize that the crocodile can speak English so we start a conversation. He apologizes for what he did, and explains that he was forced to do it by you. We actually have a lot in common. He supports the DPRK too! I become best friends with the crocodile. I would die for him and he would die for me. One day, I get mugged on the street. I tell the crocodile about it, and he finds the guy who mugged me and beats his ass. I realize the crocodile can beat anybody up as he is very powerful. I then say, "Hey, let's go after Red! He shoved my dick in the paper shredder and forced you to pin me down and suck it!" and then he says "Yeah! Let's end that motherfucker!". We then go round your house and he beats you to death. Nobody attends your funeral because they are afraid that the crocodile will come after them if they do.

I wish LGBT rights were accepted everywhere.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wrote: ↑Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:46 am I wish LGBT rights were accepted everywhere.

Wish granted.
Everyone becomes gay now, so reproduction is impossible. Oh, did I mention that all the sperm has been sucked out of every man's testicles? And women don't produce eggs now? Well, they don't get their periods anymore, so you did something good. Artificial breeding also somehow disappeared, and there are now people from fiction and the past inhabiting the earth.
But now you fucked the human race in the ass, and everyone hates you. As punishment, an executive order issued by Orange Man demands your every orifice to be penetrated with the longest, thickest dicks around. Here are the people who violated you and their assigned orifices:
Jim Davis: Mouth
Jonathan Davis: Left ear
Mike Pence: Right ear
Carl Brutananadilewski: Left eye
Bill Gates: Right Eye
Dick Cheney: Left Nostril
Alec Baldwin: Right Nostril
Every President with the name 'James' (6): Umbilicus
Ron Jeremy: Urethra
George H. W. Bush: Anus #1
George W. Bush: Anus #2 (double penetration)

During the sex time, you accidentally empty your bowels all over Bush and son, which angers them, but not only that, you bite so hard while defecating, you tear off Jim Davis' penis. It almost chokes you, but since there was sperm in the penis, it allowed it to pass down your throat and into the next part of your digestion track.

Now there are feces everywhere, and everyone is very angry at you. They talk it over, and decide the way you must die.

First, they cut your neck ever so slightly so that you're still alive, then they pour a salt and whiskey solution into the open wound, and insert a scorpion into it. Then they leave you to die in an old cell filled with your own waste.

I wish Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz gets his next wish granted without consequence.